Anxious

"Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained"- Arthur Somers Roche

For the past few weeks I have been dealing with some extremely debilitating anxiety and fear when it comes to working with Avalon. Aside from a few typical spooks, she has never proven that she is dangerous and unpredictable. Not once. She ties, will follow me anywhere, runs to the fence line when I get to the barn to say hello, enjoys the time I spend working with her, she picks up her feet, loves to be brushed, doesn't kick, pin her ears, doesn't take off, doesn't do anything that should make me not trust her. But, for the past few weeks I have been so nervous working with her that my palms get clammy, I get dizzy, feel like I'm going to throw up, and then won't do anything with her outside her paddock. I am not sure if the past two years with Finn has made me become this person or what...can a horse really screw me up this much? My entire car ride up to the barn I literally think about all the things that could happen and when I get there I choose to brush her in her paddock, play with her a bit, then leave. My confidence is just completely shot. On a positive note, I feel more of a bond with this little filly in a month, then I ever did with Finn in two years. But the fear and anxiety are completely debilitating. The other day me and hubby went up to the barn and after spending about twenty minutes in her paddock brushing her and playing with her he decided to stick the rope halter on her and take her for a walk. He walked her all over the property for about 40 minutes. At one point he had her in the blueberry patch a good distance from the barn, further than she's been, and he said "should I take her the long way, up the dirt road, and loop back around to the barn?" (WAY further than she's ever been). I said no, not a good idea. He did it anyway. Of course, she was an angel and didn't put a hoof out of place, or act like she was nervous. So what is it about me that I can't do this stuff? I honestly think I am past the help of a trainer and I need therapy. A sports therapist? A regular therapist? Who do I see? What do I do? I can't just get over it. I can't just think positive thoughts. It doesn't work. After hubby worked with baby for a while, and seeing that she was fine and wasn't going to do anything, I did walk her down the trail for the first time ever. She absolutely loved it, had her ears pricked the whole time, and had no issues walking away from the barn and the other horses. She's really an angel. I have no reason to feel the way I do. I'd love to get some suggestions from my fellow bloggers and readers!! 

How to be the worst rider

The man who acquires the ability to take full possession of his own mind may take possession of anything else to which he is justly entitled.  ~Andrew Carnegie

Today may have been the worst ride I've ever had. Worse than the jumping lesson I had when I was 10 and fell off a dozen times. I completely lost faith in myself as a rider today. The barn was pretty busy when I got there at 2pm and there were a bunch of kids getting ready for lessons. I still don't know the barn routine, lesson schedules, etc. and I hoped it wouldn't get too busy until after 3pm. Brought Finn in from the paddock, Jake flipped out that his buddy was leaving. He was much calmer on the cross ties today, not so look-y, and saddled up without a problem. There was only one other woman riding in the indoor and I thought it would be our safest bet to hang out in the indoor for his first ride at the new barn. He was pretty good walk/trot, but very stiff, ignoring my leg, ignoring any sort of contact, spooking and grinding his teeth constantly, and looking out the window at Jake galloping around and calling to him. I got a few decent trots out of him, and it's definitely pretty cool having mirrors in the indoor to see how we look. I was riding on the outside track, as the other woman riding was walking and constantly changing directions-- like didn't even go halfway around the ring before switching directions. I came up behind/alongside her, about 20 feet away, and she told me that I really needed to call out what I was doing. Um, staying on the outside track, trotting, while you walk your horse/change directions on the inside track? I've always been taught that faster gaits have outside track? She kept patting her horse and telling him what a good boy he was, but they were these loud smacking pats, and Finn must have thought this horse was getting beat up, because every time she did her good boy "pat", Finn would tilt his head toward her and spook. Once she left the ring we were alone. Barn owner showed up with her friend who was there to fix indoor sprinklers. We continued to ride as he fiddled around. I came up the long side of the arena, and all of a sudden a BOOM, a shot of water, similar to what a fire hose would do, came sideways at Finn and hit him square in the side. This wasn't just a little spray of water, and I'm not exaggerating when I'm saying it was just like a fire hose.  Finn shot off, rearing and bucking, out of his mind. And so was I. I stayed on. He said "I didn't think that would happen. I'm sorry". I think I was in shock. I said "okay", hopped off, and left the ring with Finn a snorting mess. We walked all around the property and after about 15 minutes went down to the outdoor while a lesson was going on. My husband said I couldn't leave our ride ending with that and told me I better get back on. I knew he was right, but all I wanted to do was leave. Hopped on anyway, with Finn looking and doing baby spooks at everything. I was so nerved up from the sprinkler experience, I knew Finn was picking up on how I was feeling, but I just couldn't control myself, and be what he needed in that moment. I was so mad that our first ever ride at the new barn was going like this. The other trainer was awesome. She was teaching a young girl and reminded her to give my horse lots of room and pass wide. When we picked up the trot, the trainer said he looked great. And he did. I got a couple of really stretchy trots and when he could just settle down and relax he was moving and feeling better than he ever has before. The footing in the arena is better than any we've ever been in and it sure showed in how he carried himself. We didn't even canter today.
        I want to be the strong, confident rider that Finn needs. But, I'm not. And it's always been my biggest fault as a rider. Having Finn makes me question everything about my riding. I am so upset that I couldn't help him through his fears, and ended up probably even more scared than him. He's a great horse, but more often than not, I'm scared of him. Even though he never does anything dangerous.  Today pretty much shattered my confidence. Dreams of eventing are far, far away. I'm so upset.
       Barn owner seems pretty busy with her lesson kids, so I may see if the hunter jumper trainer that was teaching today will give me and Finn a lesson. Her students compete on the A circuit, and she seems pretty hard core-- she was really pushing the little girl (that couldn't have been more than 8) to get the correct strides to a jump. But, I think we need someone who's hardcore.
    I'm also starting to read:

Originally posted by Jen. Hoping it will have some ideas on how to be a more confident rider. If I just had an ounce of confidence, and could get out of my own head, and enjoy my horse, I know we'd have a better time together. Today was not a good time.

Farrier's coming tomorrow. I'll be up at the barn in the AM for a ride, and praying it goes better.

The almost eventer

Finn had Sunday off. I went up to the barn on Monday to ride in the afternoon and it was nearly 90 degrees. I had downloaded a pretty cool app called cyclemeter on my iphone, with one of the acitivites being horseback riding. I thought it would be cool to have something that tracks my time in the saddle, speed, distance etc. I also ride my bike a lot, so I'll be able to track that too. We had a somewhat short ride (34.52 minutes), due to the heat. We traveled a total of 2.71 miles, with an average speed of 4.66 miles and a top speed of 14.25mph. We also cantered a few ground poles to work on my own release. Finn was also a lot less spooky in the outdoor than he usually is. Finn then got hosed off, and his sheath cleaned (fun).

Aren't I cute?!

Early this morning I get a text from the barn manager "Hi, sorry but Finn is covered in hives again this AM".

WTF HORSE. 

Yesterday was his last day of treatment. This morning his hives were back before he was even turned out. After a frantic call into the vet we're going to do four more days of treatment and see where we are then. Finn will be turned out with his fly sheet from now on. If his hives come back again we'll have to do allergy testing. The vet seems to think that when we move his hives might subside. The barn we're moving to isn't nearly as buggy or dusty. 

     When I first got my plucky, little 15.3h TB with his myriad of health and behavioral issues....Well I had dreams of Rolex. 

Then our first summer looked like this:

We're jumping all of 12 inches, practically cavaletti, and I'm terrified. Before Finn, I was leasing a total packer. Perfect post-baby horse, and perfect horse to take to hunter paces and gallop 3ft cross country fences no problem, because I knew I would be fine. Now I have a green TB who I probably have no business or right owning. I probably should have that packer to take me to that first event. I love Finn, but he is no packer. He spooks at the wind moving through the grass, rears when nervous or excited, and I honestly can't imagine taking him to a show. My fear of what could happen outweighs everything. I guess I expected to go from jumping the old QH through courses and feeling like the most confident rider ever...To applying those same principles to Finn. Instead, we've dealt with a year of on and off mystery lameness that we now have under control, a couple of moves, and now severe, seasonal allergies. A few weeks ago I was thinking about taking him to a little schooling dressage show next weekend, now I'm thinking how to best manage my horse's allergies and if he's going to be a mess all summer. I know that there are riders out there who get a new horse, even a green one, and take him to a show a few weeks later. I am not that type of rider. I am a perfectionist through and through, and want to be 100% prepared before we attempt to do anything. It seems like our whole past year together has been a bunch of let downs. Last November we got into one of the clinics at Equine Affaire (a huge equine expo) with Julie Goodnight. I was ecstatic, and couldn't believe we got in. Then, we couldn't find a trailer ride down there. Then when we finally found a ride, Finn was lame. Audition video for Equine Affaire:

 Watching that video (taken over the course of a few weeks last August-September), I know we've come so far since then. It's just slow going. I do not want this to be another summer where we are just dealing with more issues. Let's hope the stars line up for us this season.