Miss you

Miss you today and every day. Some days more than others. I can't help but think what you're doing. I can't help but check the MSPCA website every day, sometimes more than once a day, to see if you're on there (you're not). I can't help but wonder all the time if they put you down. If they thought your issues were too severe to ever make you adoptable. Or if they're giving you time to just be a horse and evaluate later. Miss you and love you always.

In limbo

"It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lost it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives".

Finn went back this morning. My husband went with him and told me he lost it when signing the paperwork over to the MSPCA. The head of the MSPCA reminded us that we have literally done everything for him. Everyone in the barn there reminded him that we have done everything. They see horses in the worst condition there, hundreds of pounds underweight, completely broken. Finn stepped off the trailer in amazing shape, in his $400 Rambo blanket, and leather nameplated halter. He is so far from a rescue horse. This really sucks and it's been a terrible day. I found myself randomly crying at least ten times today and just typing this has me in tears. He was supposed to be so much more. I loved him so very much. I am really hoping that that quote up at the top rings true.

Never did I think that I would be the type of person to bring a horse, or any animal, to the MSPCA. And if you knew me, you would know that I am the type of person who would do anything for an animal, and has. A rescuer, not a surrenderer. And I guess it's really tough to admit to the I surrender part. If I could put him in my backyard, if I could have found the right retirement situation in the area that wouldn't cost an arm and a leg, I would not have returned him. But after exhausting all options the one that made the most sense was to let go. To hope and pray that he would find the right home for him, the home I couldn't be.

Now I find myself in this weird, no horse, limbo. There's no barn to go to, no place to fill my time, no barn friends to hang out with, no fuzzy nose waiting for me over the stall door.

I'm taking a break from blogging for a few weeks. I'll be keeping up with all of yours. I do have big news (I'm sure you can guess), but I am waiting until everything is finalized and I can emotionally recover from all of this to share.

Change

"Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't".

Finn is not so tentatively scheduled to head back to the MSPCA on Wednesday, he definitely is. He has transport at 9:00am, and of course we're getting a snowstorm. I won't be able to be there to see him off (hubby will), which is probably better. I am doing a long write up and all of the things that have happened so that they will have an accurate history. Holy crap horse, you've really been a mess these past two years.

I have finally started telling people that he is going back: my farrier, barn manager, barn owners, barn friends, vet, etc. The overwhelming consensus, and what I hear most often is "good for you". I think that means good for me to be strong enough to do this. Vet called me the other day to check on me/him, and when I told her I was sending him back, she said she's certain that he will find a wonderful companion home.  He's extremely lovable, goofy, and sweet, part of the reason I've had so much trouble letting go.

I'm feeling much better about this situation. What I've really been thinking lately is I can't wait to enjoy going up to the barn again.

I actually have a PPE on a horse scheduled for tomorrow that I'm possibly interested in. Not getting my hopes up. I'm doing an extensive PPE on every horse that I'm interested in, and getting insurance on my next horse the day they step off the trailer.

The plan

On Thursday Finn is headed to New England Equine Medical and Surgical Center. It's about 40 minutes from the barn and I'm prepared to do a bunch of diagnostics on him to figure out what is going on. While I do think some of his issues are behavioral, I know that he doesn't spend his days plotting to scare me. There's just been too much going on with him medically in these past two years for everything to be linked to behavior. Before the summer I was having a blast with my horse. Yes, he's a handful, always will be, but I have always had fun with him even when he was challenging. I can remember the summer before this one I took him out on the trails with a group and part of the trail was where he had to cross a beaver dam. The horses had to go down a steep incline, cross a little stream, and then it was an incline back up. Horses were either going down the hill, stepping into the dam and climbing back out, or jumping the whole thing and scrambling a bit on the way up. It was definitely scary. Finn was scared and kept trying to turn around to head back home. When he didn't get his way he would rear or cow kick at my leg. After 30 minutes of coaxing he ended up climbing a bit of the way down and jumping it. On the way home we had to cross it again and he didn't even bat an eye. Through his whole temper tantrum I was laughing at my baby. He wasn't being dangerous, just scared. Now, nothing he does is funny.

 I also got in touch with the MSPCA. I told them that I was bringing him to New England, and if, after that, we still don't have a diagnosis, or if he has something wrong with him that makes him unrideable, he will be headed back to the MSPCA where he will find a home as a pasture pet. I DO want to find out what's wrong with him, especially after almost two years of wondering. I am excited and nervous and hope we get some answers. We will be leaving the barn early on Thursday morning and will most likely be at the hospital all day.

On Saturday the weather was practically summer like, 50 degrees and sunny. Finn got to be outside without his blanket for the first time in months.