Today I went up to the barn to grab a bunch of my stuff. Finn is headed back to the MSPCA, where he will be evaluated, and hopefully placed in a foster or adoptive companion home. I had every intention of leaving him in the paddock, but he kept watching me as I brought stuff from the barn to my car, so I ended up bringing him in.
Stuck him on the cross ties, he got a good brushing, and was the most well behaved gentleman, no pawing, no rearing, no dancing around. It was...weird. Decided that things were going so well, so why not stick him on the lunge. Walk, trot, canter, and a direction change, NO ISSUES. He looked amazing too. Tracking up, no cross cantering, listening to me. He really looked better than I have ever seen him. Everyone at the barn said so too.
I left the barn thinking, well, so much for bringing him back to the MSPCA. After thinking nearly all afternoon/evening about it, I realized that I am in an addictive relationship with Finn.... He gives me just enough to keep me coming back for more. We have gone down this road many, many times before. He goes "off", I contemplate the longevity of our future, he gets time off, is brought back, and is wonderful for two weeks, and then the cycle continues.
And I suddenly realized. NO, I can't do it anymore. My emotional well being, and confidence, has gotten shot down so many times these past two years. Finn may be better, what I've done for him may be the fix for him. He may be capable of amazing things, and a lifetime full of wonderful rides.
But I finally know that it won't be with me. Our relationship is too broken for that.
Change is coming. It may not be "Finn's Journey" anymore, but the journey will continue.